What if a guy doesn’t return your phone calls?

One of my readers sent me the following e-mail:

Dear Elaine,

I and my boyfriend have been going through some tough times. We have broken up several times, but we seem to make up and get together every time. Up till this day I felt somewhat secure knowing that every time we had an argument, we’d always talk over it later and got back together. But last time we broke up, I told him I did not want to see him anymore and that the relationship was not working out for me. In fact, I even signed up for a dating site membership and started communicating with other men to see if I wanted to go out with somebody new. I started meeting other men, but I quickly realized that I was still not over him and that no other men could measure up to him.

I and my boyfriend did not talk for about a week since the break up. Then I decided that I missed him very much and that nevertheless I still wanted to be with him. I called his cell phone, but he did not answer my phone call. He has a caller ID, and even though I did not leave a message, I knew he saw that I called. I felt that I really had to talk to him, so I called later the same day. Yet again, he did not answer my call. I presumed that instead of thinking of us as being on a break again, at this time he was tired of me going hot and cold on him and decided to break it off for good. But then a few hours later he called me back! I was pleasantly surprised.

He told me that he was doing well and there were some exciting changes going on in his life. He also said he was going away for the weekend with friends and we decided that we would think about our relationship and what we were going to do and talk again early next week. I went away and was content and secure knowing that I would talk to him again soon. But today I was anxious to talk to him, so I called early in the morning. The phone kept ringing endlessly and finally went to his voice mail. I didn’t leave a message, thinking that he could be still asleep and then once he woke up, he’d see that I called and would call me back. A few hours went by. Still no return call. I sent him a text message asking him to call me. Still nothing.

That’s when I really started to freak out. See, when we were still dating, he would almost never let my calls go to the voice mail. Either that or he would call me back almost immediately. The only times when he could not talk to me because he was in a meeting, he’d always call me beforehand to let me know what he was doing and that he would be unavailable at certain times during the day because of his job.

After another hour or two of waiting I was getting so anxious that my head started spinning. I called again, and guess what? Not only did he not answer my call, but it went to his voicemail after only three rings, which knowing him I can surely say that he let it go to the voicemail. He did not want to talk to me after all!

My girlfriend makes all kinds of assumptions; maybe his phone broke, maybe he left it in his car, maybe he is in a meeting, etc. Then she suggests that I call him home number.

I have been around for a while to know that when a man does not call you back, that means he is not all that into you. But I would appreciate if he would just let me know. It is not fair to me to leave me hanging like this. I would like him to tell me straight up that it is over. But I would really like to get him back.

Please, let me know if there is anything I can do to get my boyfriend back. I really love him and I would like to make things work between us.

With regards,

Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,

Thank you for your letter. I appreciate your trust in my dating and relationship advice, and I will try to address your questions, one at a time.

While your letter is asking for advice on how to get your man back, it resembles stories of many women who have once found themselves in a similar situation and were able to get their boyfriends back with the help of How Do I Get Him Back?.

There were several things that caught my attention as I was reading your e-mail.

First, you’ve said that your boyfriend may have been tired of you “going hot and cold on him”. That could very well be the case. Men don’t understand why women go through cycles and mood swings. Men want to get it clear, you are either with them, or you are not. When you say you had always felt secure knowing that you could just call him after one of your breakups and make it up to him, and still be together, how do you think that made him feel when he did not have the same level of security in the relationship? That is probably what you are feeling now; a sense of lost security. Do you like that feeling? You know the answer; I don’t need to tell you. You said in your e-mail you had even signed up for a dating site and started seeing other men.

Your boyfriend may have felt that he was sick and tired of all the drama going on in a relationship and decided that he did not want to go through that ever again. He has probably moved on, and that is why he does not want to answer his phone when you call. I am sure, when you called him twice, and sent him a text, he knew that you tried contacting him. And you are exactly right. If he does not call you, he is just not into you. Period.

But let’s just assume that your boyfriend (or your ex-boyfriend) has lost his phone, or his phone is out of charge and he is not at a place where he can charge it, or that your boyfriend is at a meeting, or whatever insane reason may be that he is not picking up his phone when you call. Even if that is the case, by calling him again you are not going to accomplish anything you have not yet accomplished. If your boyfriend is unavailable, you are not going to make him available by pushing the redial button. And when your boyfriend becomes available, he will see that you have tried to call him and will call you back if he wants to talk to you. And if he doesn’t, then let it go. By trying to get a hold of him despite his attempts to avoid you, you are just going to annoy him.

There could be many reasons why he is not calling you back and does not want to speak to you. You have mentioned that the two of you decided to think about your relationship and how you wanted to proceed. Well, one thing it could be that he decided that is exactly how he wanted to proceed, is to never talk to you again. If that is his choice, the best thing you can do for both of you is to respect his choices.

Another thing is that presuming that your boyfriend still wants to be with you, he just does not know how to handle the conversation with you. He may need more time to think about it. If that is the case, then he will contact you when he is ready. He may just not be ready to handle this conversation at this time. Give him time and space. Respect his need for time away from you. Nothing has to be resolved this minute.

I understand that it is a very bothersome situation not knowing where you stand in a relationship. But whatever happens, happens. Too many times I see women who go crazy getting through a painful breakup with their boyfriends and husbands. The absolutely worst thing you can do to your relationship in this situation is to try and press the issue, confront your significant other, get into more arguments. If you do this, you will drive him further away and your chances of getting back together will be minimized. You need to take care of yourself. Get you mind off of your boyfriend. Do something that you enjoy. Get a new haircut. Go to the gym. Go to the spa.

PS: I know. It’s easier said than done. If you are in heart wrenching pain from a break up, Check out this link that will surely help you.