How do you break up with your boyfriend? Why do you want to break up? Is the break up necessary?
Let’s look at all these questions starting with the question is the break up necessary? Here we will talk about the reasons to break up with your boyfriend. What are some of the reasons to break up? Legitimate break up reasons include cheating or infidelity, abuse (physical, emotional, verbal or even sexual), lack of compatibility (different goals in life, different lifestyles, and different views on what is expected from a relationship).
Most of the reasons for a break up listed above do not need an explanation. If your boyfriend is cheating on you, has cheated on you, or is looking for other people to date, you need to end the relationship if you want to avoid further heartache. This relationship is not going anywhere and is doomed.
Breaking up due to abuse of any kind is another solid reason for a break up. Emotional abuse may include put-downs, verbal abuse of different kinds, such as name calling, and also any sort of sick behavior intended by the individual to harm their partner’s self-esteem, or to hurt their partner emotionally, or doing things that are known to hurt the other person emotionally. Examples would be trying to make the other person jealous consistently, comparing the other person to others including one’s ex’s and resulting negative feedback, for instance, saying things like, “My ex girlfriend was such and such, and you are not like her”, or making a public statement that an ex was hot, super smart, etc. at the same time implying that you are not as great as her. Generally, comparing a current girlfriend or boyfriend with an ex, and making specific statements about his or her looks, performance, abilities etc. and prizing that ex for such qualities may very well be interpreted as emotional abuse. No one wants to be compared to someone else, especially when that comparison is not favorable.
So, how do you go about breaking up with someone you have developed an attachment to? Especially when an alternative is being alone and lonely? A lot of people stay and long overstay in dysfunctional relationships because there is not much alternative. They tend to think that a relationship (or any relationship) is better than none. This is the reason women stay in abusive relationships for many years, or course along with other contributing factors, such as financial constrains, children a couple may have together, and other reasons that make a break up especially difficult.
Let’s talk about the emotional aspect of a break up versus staying in a dysfunctional relationship. If you find yourself in a relationship that does not in any way make you happy, and you have tried talking, working things out, counseling and other ways to fix a relationship, and nothing seems to work, you need to make a firm decision to end a relationship and stick to your decision.
Find a “sponsor”, in other words a person you can talk to who knows your situation with your boyfriend, and is supportive of your decision to end the relationship. Some people may not be very supportive, saying that a relationship is better than no relationship at all; they may say you won’t find anyone like this person again, and sabotage your decision to break up in other ways. At times, however, we may have a sponsor who is completely supportive of the decision to break up, but we ourselves tend to confront that sponsor when she advocates for the break up. Some people may get on the defensive hearing someone else say negative things about your relationship. It is normal to try to defend your relationship and justify things that are negative, making excuses for the other person. After all, we have had a relationship with this person and this dysfunctional relationship is in part what we have built.
In this case, it is important to realize that while you take a responsibility for the relationship to turn the way it did, ultimately if it is not working, and is getting worse, you should stop blaming yourself and making excuses for the other person and just move on. It will be easier to move on when the relationship has spiraled down to the point where little passion is present and the only factors holding the relationship together are familiarity and grown attachment, but not much compatibility and positive qualities of a healthy relationship.
Getting back to your routine you used to have before the start of this relationship, doing things you used to enjoy that may have been put on the back burner because of this relationship, getting together with your friends, especially old friends you have not seen in a long time, and who don’t know your boyfriend, are some of the things you can do to occupy your mind. Starting to date is another way to get your mind off of the relationship you are trying to end if you exercise caution. Many people who are fresh out of a relationship tend to use their date to vent about the ex. This is counterproductive. If you want to find a new relationship you need to treat dating as such. No one wants to get involved with a person who has baggage and unresolved issues. If you feel you are still very much attached to your boyfriend you are trying to dump, you may want to hold onto dating unless you feel that the only thing that’s holding the relationship together is your fear of being alone. In this case dating new people is a good way to move on. But if you still have unresolved issues with your ex, you need to keep yourself occupied by things other than dating. Meeting new people has great entertainment value but if all you want to talk about is your ex, you are not ready to date other people just yet, especially because it’s no fun for anyone to be your shrink for the evening.
Instead, engage in other activities that preferably do not remind you of the time spend with your ex. If the two of you used to go to a specific restaurant, a bar, a park or a movie theater, going there alone will only rehash painful memories and make you want to get back together. Instead, find new exciting places, new activities or forgotten activities and places.
After a while you will feel ready and open for a new relationship.