My subscriber recently sent me an e-mail asking me for advice on writing an e-mail to women on a dating site. In fact he had just signed up for a dating site and although he immediately found there were a lot of stunning women who have their life together, it was difficult initiating the first contact with those stunningly beautiful women. So, he needed some advice. He forwarded me the e-mail he was sending out without measurable success for my review and correction. Here is the original e-mail. Red font is what I highlighted as things to take out.
While I was doing a search, your profile showed up again:)...I can't help but mention that no one can match the beauty of your face and I sincerely mean it!!! Soooo STUNNING!!! I'm totally baffled that you are still single...there are more men in silicon valley than there are sheep in Australia (Mind you most of them are geeks and freaks and gay:) I guess I do know…:)
I'll be honest, I like your profile and I find you incredibly attractive. When are we going to get together for coffee and see where life takes:)?
If we hit it off, I can assure you that I will bring you fresh flowers every day:)
I hope to hear from you!
My corrections and my response follows.
No offence but this is really bad. First off, the highlighted portions need to go completely. Sorry I have to be frank with you if you want an honest feedback. Smiley faces show immaturity. Women are not attracted by smileys in men’s e-mails. Secondly, poor punctuation. Things like …………., !!!, need to go.
Thirdly, referring negatively to other men especially not knowing the facts reflects extremely negatively on you. Saying about other men “they are all geeks or freaks or gay” will never get you a single response. FYI Most single men on match.com are smart, educated, and by far are not geeks or freaks. The days when online dating catered to socially inept people are long gone. These days everyone is on some dating site, and men in Silicon Valley are by far the smartest and great catches overall, so putting them down only makes you look bad.
Fourthly you say, “While I was doing a search, your profile showed up again” – this approach shows two things:
1. Insecurity (why didn’t you contact her the first time you saw her?)
2. Saying you were doing search is stating the obvious. No need to say that. You’ve found her profile; clearly you were doing a search
Five: when you say “honestly” you are basically again being redundant. No one comes forward and says, dishonestly, I think blah, blah, blah. Of course if you say something you hope the person will believe you. No need to say “honestly”
Six: when you say, “when are we going to meet for coffee?” etc. this sounds like a week approach of a guy who is trying really hard to be cool yet shaking with fear.
Here is what a basic e-mail sample should be like:
Dear (User Name)
I am sure you hear that a lot but you are absolutely stunning. But you don’t need me to tell you this. If you have a chance to take a look at my profile in your spare moment, perhaps something might catch your eye and if so, I’d welcome the opportunity to take this a little further. Coffee, drinks, or a full blown dinner at a place of your choice? My treat, of course. So, what do you say?
You will get a lot more responses this way. Let me know what happens with this